SD
Every day is a fight

Archive for the ‘i’d like to…’ Category

If I could walk away.

December 29, 2015

Away from here, away from this life. Leave behind everything that’s making me sick. But that is death. There’s no escape except death. I keep waiting forever for the day I can be free, pushing it always further in my mind, chaining myself to the ground and other people’s expectations. Why not now? I’ve been […]

Lolwutidon’tcare

April 27, 2014

The post name describes it so well… Since coming back home I’ve had a panic attack, felt anxious every day, suffered from heightened social phobia, fears and worries and a strong urge to just give up. Start using drugs. Get in trouble. Attack and kill people. Vandalize this house. I feel continuing rage boiling deep […]

Storytime: Making love to the sound of the wind

December 30, 2013

Every night, before laying to sleep, the boy told his dad he loved him. In the old green house, in the bedroom under the roof where the sound of the wind never ceased, every night the dad pulled off his belt and beat up his son. Smiling when the boy tried to resist. It was […]

I’m tired to fight

March 3, 2013

This a pic I drew sometimes around new year or Xmas. I’m fighting, still, but I’m tired. I can’t talk to anyone. If I talk to my therapist I get reported to police, I got no friends, no-one cares and I don’t care about them either. It’s so cold here, and inside of me. Hard […]

Vibrating waves of pale darkness

February 16, 2013

Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain, your voice is the harp of the sea. In the floods of darkness there is light where you go. Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain, your name is seagras’ whispering. Shining corals glory your name there where you go. Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain, your skin is pearls’ freshness. On the riffs shells open […]

Killing people is fun

October 14, 2012

It’s like playing hide and seek. I feel relieved of all stress and pain when I stab them with my knife and see blood coming out. It’s awesome, I cannot explain, it feels just so good. Like something I’ve wanted all my life, finally come true. Of course it’s a mess sometimes, my clothes get […]

Hunger

July 5, 2012

Overdrive. I have been eating normally, every day a warm meal. I don’t know how long already. I should buy a scale. The reason why I haven’t bought one yet is not the money – it’s the fear (?) of finding it a pleasure to weigh myself and keep track on my weight. Oh I […]

Cry for blood

April 26, 2012

Just to say I’m so close to kill someone it will be a miracle if I make it over the holidays without soaking my hands and knife in fresh warm blood. Nothing helps to this. I don’t get the images out of my head – and I don’t want to. I’ll tell you what happens […]

Two people

April 7, 2012

A very short Easter visit from my parents and sister. They brought food and juice. Dad was very nervous the whole time here and criticized the giant work I did yesterday and this morning to clean it up here to look at least a bit normal. It’s such a luck he doesn’t know how it […]

Fuck yeah

March 30, 2012

OUCH!! Like, most of those I’ve heard from other people, and the few rest realised by myself… It’s from ’76 but still! This blog has had already 880 views! Time to celebrate, what? — That was all yesterday, Thursday. I was OK. There was bloodlust, but I had it under control. Then came evening, then […]