SD
Every day is a fight

Archive for the ‘pain in my heart’ Category

Empty deserts of tearless nights

March 13, 2017

Awake with the painful memories or trapped into endless nightmares. I can’t fall asleep cause all I can think of is her, lying in the hospital bed, dying. At some point I fall into a chem induced sleep that is no sleep, it’s walking from one terrible scene to another, not finding a way out […]

Today I stare back at you, darkness

February 5, 2017

Just never surrender, that’s it. In November, my closest friend was diagnosed with final stage cancer and she passed away at Christmas Night. Life hasn’t been very lively after that. I’m plagued by serious depression and the suicidal thoughts have returned. I dream about her last days a lot. So it has come to a […]

When the sausage disappeared

August 15, 2014

Yea, a couple of days ago I woke up and came to living room and noticed those three small sausages I left on the table were gone. Someone was hungry at night. School has been extremely hard. Just sitting around listening to bullshit. I have constant panic and rage attacks that are triggered by anything […]

Your house is your garden.

October 24, 2013

In which you cultivate your feelings and what you give to others and yourself. If you feed your garden with good karma it’ll flourish and bloom and everyone will love to visit you and be your friend. If you feed it with bad karma it’ll suck out your life energy and disturb or scare visitors. […]

On my knees

August 3, 2013

Listening to this non-stop. For an hour. My head’s a mess. Overencumbered. Not eaten much anything all day. Sad. Stressed. Read some of them homeless stories from this blog. It’s a great blog. I’ve been through alcoholism and I’ve been homeless too. I still have the fear of losing all I have. Right now. I […]

The man called Jeebus who walked in a swimming pool with 1cm water depth

June 1, 2013

Decided to post a little piece of shit. Some pics, music, stuff. My head is overloaded and I feel pretty bad right now. Been restless for weeks, can’t really sleep or rest, heavy allergy and caffeine withdrawal. Today we had the school ending ceremony. Boring as hell, as usual, but afterwards long talks with class […]

Goodbye summer rose

May 22, 2013

My grandma Hilkka died this morning. Mum called me an hour ago. She told me already yesterday that her time was drawing near. We knew to wait this. When I was a kid I once wrote her a poem about a summer rose. I feel she was like one. Bright and sunny. The Alzheimer changed […]

I’m tired to fight

March 3, 2013

This a pic I drew sometimes around new year or Xmas. I’m fighting, still, but I’m tired. I can’t talk to anyone. If I talk to my therapist I get reported to police, I got no friends, no-one cares and I don’t care about them either. It’s so cold here, and inside of me. Hard […]

If you give up, you have already lost

February 25, 2013

Feels like implosion of the heart. Such a weight on me, pushing the insides into a tight small square, too small for me. I’m big. Not my outside. My outside is miserable, just raw mass without a form. My mind needs lots of space to roam free, now it’s held down in a cage, my […]

Vibrating waves of pale darkness

February 16, 2013

Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain, your voice is the harp of the sea. In the floods of darkness there is light where you go. Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain, your name is seagras’ whispering. Shining corals glory your name there where you go. Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain, your skin is pearls’ freshness. On the riffs shells open […]