Every day is a fight

Archive for the ‘the real freedom’ Category

If I could walk away.

December 29, 2015

Away from here, away from this life. Leave behind everything that’s making me sick. But that is death. There’s no escape except death. I keep waiting forever for the day I can be free, pushing it always further in my mind, chaining myself to the ground and other people’s expectations. Why not now? I’ve been […]


April 27, 2014

The post name describes it so well… Since coming back home I’ve had a panic attack, felt anxious every day, suffered from heightened social phobia, fears and worries and a strong urge to just give up. Start using drugs. Get in trouble. Attack and kill people. Vandalize this house. I feel continuing rage boiling deep […]

Hanging on

December 21, 2013

Stomach hurts cause I fear the holiday. Have my defenses all up and ready for fighting. At least my biggest present made it half way today. I wished I had it with me tomorrow but can’t help the situation. Been sicker than in years for a couple of weeks. Felt like I’m never getting better. […]

Killing people is fun

October 14, 2012

It’s like playing hide and seek. I feel relieved of all stress and pain when I stab them with my knife and see blood coming out. It’s awesome, I cannot explain, it feels just so good. Like something I’ve wanted all my life, finally come true. Of course it’s a mess sometimes, my clothes get […]

Two people

April 7, 2012

A very short Easter visit from my parents and sister. They brought food and juice. Dad was very nervous the whole time here and criticized the giant work I did yesterday and this morning to clean it up here to look at least a bit normal. It’s such a luck he doesn’t know how it […]

Fuck yeah

March 30, 2012

OUCH!! Like, most of those I’ve heard from other people, and the few rest realised by myself… It’s from ’76 but still! This blog has had already 880 views! Time to celebrate, what? — That was all yesterday, Thursday. I was OK. There was bloodlust, but I had it under control. Then came evening, then […]

…feel you in the wind

March 26, 2012

It’s there again. Outside of my window, inside my head. My living atm is “macgyverish”, I use my SOG Pup to cut bread and spread butter on it, to open boxes, to cut anything food or not food, to eat. I have no spoons, not even plastic ones clean, and only plastic forks that suck. […]

Lift off

January 26, 2012

How could it be wrong to enjoy something this beautiful? Just listen to this music and watch all this war happening. Who said war can’t be beautiful? It is. Stop. Look around. It is. — My SEALs knife arrived today and I got it from post office. I love it. Propably no surprise… I spent […]

We can rise above them all

October 20, 2011

Three cups of sort-of-coffee, in a row. One after another. Within 4 hours though. Got a release of stress, pretty nice. Still my mind is completely mixed up. That “thing with Ari” hit me again last night when going to bed. Not the stuff I talked yesterday. This is different and a lot stronger. Although […]

Center of your attention

August 16, 2011

That was only illusion. I think. I still feel unreal. Those five days “fun and activity”. I have the feeling only half of me was alive. I lied a lot. Or better, didn’t tell the truth about my opinions or symptoms. I still told WHY I will have to eat these pills. Because if I […]