SD
Every day is a fight

Sep
05

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First off, Maru enjoys himself. Lots of place to run, a balcony and a cow hide in sleeping room to roll on.

I’m not so fine. Still forced to use mobile, no internet at home. Hurt my knee bad on first school day and it’s been a pain in the ass. Moving has just started to get a little easier and I can recover between days. Till now I’ve been pushed to the limits of my physical and mental strength but I hope it gets easier soon. School is mostly fun although some days are exhausting or downright wasted time. Food sucks. I have nice classmates but some seem to suffer of extreme adhd. I’m mostly broke. Changing bank bc reasons and got some loose ends to tie up.

But there are good things too. Tomorrow I get a dishwasher. On Monday after paying rent I can relax a bit. There’s quite a stress but I can push it back and ignore it. Every morning going to school I see the ocean (well, not really, it’s just the bit of sea between us and Estonia, but it’s pretty). I like learning AutoCAD and feeling useful and like I might actually make it this time and eventually land a job too. School is inspiring. My plants are doing very well. One died but the rest have grown a lot since coming here.

I don’t have much time for emptying those thousand boxes I still have and haven’t even cleaned up actually. Going to do some more today and tomorrow. I want to update the other blogs too this weekend, have a lot news for them. Just hate long writing on tab.

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That’s on my sleeping room side table. Ok that’s it. Need to get back to work. Have a nice weekend everyone! :)

Jul
19

Or better a 24/7 meow. It’s getting worse and worse, and all my time I’m either in coma or fighting to stay awake – no resting. My brain is asleep all the time and I can’t get it awake for more than few minutes at the time. It’s a bad feeling. It’s like sleep paralysis (dreaming of being awake and not being able to properly wake up and move). Every time I sleep I have it at some point and the real sleep is deep without rest and chopped in very short pieces. I could sleep forever but some kind of sense of panic or duty makes me wake up every hour to check the clock. And the constant meowing. I appreciate the short breaks granted but I doubt I can do this much longer. Even high amount of caffeine doesn’t get me awake, it just makes me sick. Eating some proper food helps for a little – it helps to the nagging bite in the back of my head that’s not really pain but has a similar effect on my mood.

And Maru learned a new skill: a long waving meow that’s like a critical hit on me. He has high pitch meows, low meows, meows in between, short ones, these long ones, some that remind of a dog’s barking… I have no idea how long that’s going to last and if he ever shuts up. Wonder what happens if he doesn’t. If he keeps doing that in the new home. A part of it sure is his changed diet: he only gets dry food – well not only but he’s not allowed to eat normal food and I could only afford the dry diet food so far and I do feed him the stuff that I have left but he doesn’t like most of it and he gets no treats – and eating only one type of food all the time is enough to make anyone lose it. Now becomes visible that Maru had quite a varying diet before. Next Wednesday I get new money and will buy him the ultra expensive wet diet food – just to see if he likes it. I bet it’s in a sauce and not jelly and he’ll hate it. Maybe I need to consult the vet again about Maru’s diet since it’s impossible to get him to eat any type of medication and some of his agony is clearly toilet-related. Can’t do anything before Wednesday but then he’ll get some chicken meat too, the expensive one, and maybe beef. I’ll make small portions of them and freeze them in a separate box.

Today I got food for myself and energy drink for the failed attempt to get my brain awake, that was close to 10 euros wasted as it seems. On my way back I saw some Czech tourists and met some neighbors who were trying out a self made bow. A good one. He got his first work order too after the show-off. I got 5 boxes from the basement but did no packing today since the stupid brain. If I can focus on something it comes alive for a while but I can’t focus for long lately. I’ll finish this and update the babylog and then put more books in the boxes.

I have been working on a short story, mostly in my head, and it drives me crazy too. Then all kinds of other ideas come like pop-ups. Many about the stuff I need for my new home. I will have to do some very careful planning now because I have big bills piling up and my little Miku should finally get shipped in August, like, after 8 MONTHS OF WAITING. Yes, I have had to learn patience. Yes, I’m broken and all my hope has been crushed by cruel people from Hong Kong, but still I’m waiting and ready to pay it.

Yesterday (? my sense of time is gone) I got finally the second new shirt I ordered last month. First eBay fucked it up somehow, then UPS fucked up and went to the wrong house and I had to call them and talk with a guy with so broad gay accent that it almost kicked me off my chair. But I got it. Now I have to wash it first cause it stinks. I don’t know where some people keep their stuff – stored outside in the rain??? – because that smell I only know from army surplus clothing & gear. When old stuff no-one wants stands around in shitty moldy storages for decades before they have gained novelty value. Without washing it takes years for the smell to get off. Sigh. At least it’s good quality, the same company than last time. Should last for 3 years. Maybe it’s all that meowing that has made me cautious but I might want to re-evaluate what I want to wear in public. Maybe I just notice it better. Maybe the world watches more closely. Two years ago nobody gave a fuck if someone walked around in a NRA shirt. Not sayin’ I quit wearing them though. :D

Met an interesting old man today and chatted with him until my bus came. Sometimes I feel like a magnet… I had just sat down and put my stuff on the ground and then saw him coming, he had seen me and came straight to me and sat down and started to talk about Russia. Well that’s my favourite topic and I can’t say I often meet anyone I can discuss it with without getting into a fight, so that was kinda nice. But yeah, old and drunk with a concealed bottle of liquor. A fan of history with similar family background etc. But it was already before I started to wear NRA stuff that I attracted this type of people. At least now I avoid the Mormons and the Lutherans and thank “god” there’s no church nearby in my new place. Anyway, I have so little contact to other people that any nice conversation is a plus. There are a lot of nice people in this group of drunks around this area, you just mainly only notice the bad eggs.

Also saw a police car in new colors. Now they look like the ones in the UK.

It’s already dark at night. Summer is so short. And today it’s been raining almost all day and night, cold and the still warm ground is producing a high amount of fog. Very moist and +25 degrees inside. Yeah that’s another reason why I sleep so bad lately. Last night I dreamt of getting extreme sunburn while being allergic to the sun. That was nasty. I have developed a light oversensitivity to sun since my body cannot handle the medication anymore. Now, after years, the first side effects are showing. I’m happy the winter comes and it’s over with protecting myself and I can walk outside without a hood again. As if I ever do. Heh. Thought about buying a shaving machine thingy whenever I have money and getting myself a cheap new hairstyle. Have had this since over 15 years. The length varies. Time to cut it soon. Need to figure out how to wear some kind of a hat or scarf permanently. I don’t know how to do that, it always looks awful, but since the time of having no more hair is drawing near there’s no other way.

Maru is quiet now. I could use this and go to sleep. Somehow even the idea of doing that feels uncomfortable. My bed is in bad shape but I won’t get a new one soon. Will use the other end of it in the new place, might want to give it a dry wash before moving. Well, guess I have to go to sleep. Try at least. I can “shut myself down” like every night then I won’t wake up so easily when meow-thing starts his daily meowing early in the morning.

Some days ago I started to draw a version of an old house concept of mine that could be or be not my dream house. Hope to be able to continue it soon and not spoil it somehow. BBL.

Jul
08

I started a new fiction blog in the LifeFic series. It’s a babylog and it’s called Home For Miah. It continues the story of the rather dysfunctional little family from Black Hole. The main character Billy is now taking care of a 1 month old baby girl and the blog is his diary about learning “how to baby”. We don’t know much about the subject and because the story is set in the US some things might seem odd or artificial as I have to rely on Google and info from tv in food brands and stuff. I’m also not good with slang or up-to-date words of different groups of people.

But anyway, there it is, with one post, if anyone likes to check it out. I’ll try to update it at least weekly for as long as I have interest. There’s a lot going on in my own life right now and school begins soon, but I do my best as I’m “processing” the story in real time and cannot pause it. Everything in my writing world except fantasy and backgrounds runs in real time but only a small margin of it is affected by what happens in real life – mostly because I don’t have time or interest to deal with the same shit twice.

My cat is yelling without pause every night since almost a week and my brain is dead. BBL.

Jul
02

Money is the root of all evil and having none of it is the solution to all life’s problems. 0 money cured all existing addictions, put me on my knees and made me beg for money from people who can use my predicament as an excuse to further manipulate, abuse, control and berate me in private and public. And oh boy did they do so!

While I was struggling in my own survival battle, my kitty got sick, and I had to focus on paying the vet bill and his medication (which he refuses to eat). I had to borrow money yet again and listen to lectures and hate speeches.

It looked like a little bit of luck would shine through – I got an apartment – but this proved too good to be true as the cruel facts start to come out. And I have to keep them a secret to protect those who never supported me. Yesterday I met my uncle who is renting the apartment to me, and he straight faced threatened me to lose the place and my heritage if I made mistakes. He said the rent I’m paying him is the money I will one day herit from him. Now what kind of shit is that? I’m speechless. I will never see that money again. With everything he said he always made it clear his “new kids” (those of his late wife she had with many different partners) are so much better than me and my siblings, so much more worth than us losers. And the cruelest thing of all: opposite to what he has let us understand before, he’s not going to sell this apartment when he gets older, he’s going to it to his oldest “daughter”, and if he dies I will be at her mercy. She’s married to a celeb and they have multiple apartments already for themselves. All my wishes to live in that place for a bit longer, settle down, were crushed in a split second. I understand the “mistakes” he spoke of include telling about this to my dad who he now hates bc my parents didn’t accept his marriage. We think he made a grand mistake marrying that psychopath, but blind is blind. It shouldn’t have been our problem anymore. Now it is. Because I went into his trap. I’m just waiting for more nasty surprises.

All I wanted was a little something to call my own for a few years. A better neighborhood, an improvement in my miserable existence. A better place for Maru, more room to sprint around, a balcony to watch birds from…

Not long ago I got chosen to another study in the same school. I’m changing from metalwork to technical design. I was excited about it. Now all I can think about is getting the hell out of this horrible country. Away from these people. Nobody believes me if I try to tell someone about them. Even if I just want to talk and ease my heart. To others only a happy world exists. There’s no abuse and no pain. When it’s invisible it doesn’t exist and all the cruelty and terror can’t be real.

I feel sick. But I only have to bear it a few more years. Enough to learn a job and find one aboard. I can go back to Germany, or maybe Switzerland. I’d like to live in the US though. I feel sad too. Bc I was betrayed and I think I should’ve foreseen this happening. I blame myself for being too blue eyed and thought – even when it was just a tiny misguided belief, a shard of the trust already broken – he was offering me the place from the good of his heart, or some kind of feeling of duty. I kinda knew that wasn’t true but I wanted to believe. Like every time I tell mum something that’s good, I want to believe there’s a bit of compassion and care in her, just an ever so tiny bit. I’m disappointed every time. The same with dad. I tell him something that I’m proud of and wish he’d be happy for me and support me, and all I get is humiliation and ridicule.

This family is evil. The blood is evil. I see the same evil every time I look into the mirror. I see it on my siblings. The way they are angry or don’t care.

I know them though. I can prepare myself. My uncle is thinking of giving a spare key to my dad. That must be prevented with all cost. Them both must be prevented entering the apartment without my presence or consent. Because I can’t control my uncle as he’s the owner I think about installing a security system that gives a silent alarm to my cell and takes video of the person entering. It will be set up at the entrance, hidden. I have to check what kind of things exist. Might sound weird but you don’t know these people and what they are capable of. I must protect myself, my cat and my property. A light wall that will alert and take a photo maybe? I must be able to shut it off when entering and it must be cat-secure. Thinking, thinking…

Well that’s about it for today. Need some dinner now and to sit somewhere else than this old kitchen chair, my behind hurts. I’ll figure out how to survive, I always do. I have survived this long, there isn’t anything that could stop the virus. When life throws an obstacle on your way, and there’s no way over, through or under it, you gotta take a step to the side and go around it, and that’s what I gotta do again. I did so with the school too. A nice, light summer shirt arrived today and I’m gonna rock it like no tomorrow cause it’s the only summer shirt I have, and the weather is really hot. Desert camo makes fat invisible. A little bit at least. :)

Jun
03

From those 7 bottles a half one is left. I’m pushing the limits again. Short but intense morning workout session and afterwards I sit here crying. I want to be free but I can’t imagine my life without this drink. I looked too deep in the bottle again.

Outside everything is cool, green, wet. I still think I should visit the aquarium shop today, but this dump needs to be clean til Caturday when Maru comes home… I’m neck-deep in shit. I got moths here. They’ve eaten some of my clothes. I did an ask in Facebook if some of those so called friends there would be interested in those still good clothes I need to get rid of.

There’s fruit puree in fridge, I’m waiting it to cool to have a refreshing and light breakfast. Yesterday was a bit shitty, I ate whipped cream. Like, WTF? Everyday’s a fight. Every morning it starts anew. I have to learn real quick how to avoid buying ice cream and candy. I think I can gradually replace Battery with Coke and Fanta, for some part at least, and I’ve got already a craving for sorbet and water ice and ice tea and fruit drinks with almost no sweetener and crushed ice… Might be because I drink too little bit water and my place is already really hot. Well, until now I’ve done only 2 workouts (I started on Monday but it was a long day and my feet hurt so much and yesterday I was too depressed to do anything). I keep trying.

Got a nice and interesting msg from my Tumblr friend. I wish he’d write more often…

On Monday I used perfume for the first time in at least a year. But I don’t identify anymore with those light pink ones. To be honest I don’t feel connected to myself atm. All functioning happens on a very shallow level, pretending everything’s fine and I survive everything. But it’s been a tough year and the fear consumes me every day. The fear that someone comes and takes everything from me. The fear of being yelled at again. The fear of being punished for who I am. Life is very draining right now.

This could be written by someone else. There’s no feeling. Just surviving.

I love these songs. ^.^

Guess I should just give up and go to bed. After doing at least some cleaning. :/ ?

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May
31

That’s…fitting. I’m listening to a Joe Hisaishi concert again and it’s 3:20am. There’s a song in Nausicaä of The Valley of The Wind called Bird Person. I was seeing my parents this week and read that book Birdy almost completely. I sat on my bed and read over 4 hours straight without a break. Since then it hasn’t left me in peace. This story is true and the coincidence is almost frightening:

Years ago when I had my finnish blogs I posted there something of a story of mine where this asshole guy sort of adopts a 6-year-old boy who calls himself Birdy (in early state Wren) and doesn’t accept any other name, and is drawing birds all the time. Then somebody of my academic “friends” there pointed this book to me, and now when I actually happened to read it I can’t believe it could be just a coincidence. My story is very different and doesn’t have a nice ending, there’s no hope in my stories, at least in the older ones. It still continues in the background. “My Birdy” is about 16 now, drug addicted prostitute with no future. But since I read that book (I borrowed it from mum to read it again slower) I’ve been thinking of bringing Birdy back to the center of the action. At least a little bit. It’s hard to fix a broken person, especially if everyone who tries to help is broken too, but somehow we keep on going and the world keeps on turning.

Yesterday I looked for open university courses but didn’t really find anything. It’s a bad time I guess. I’m too late for summer courses and too early for those in winter. And I can’t find good ones to do at home, cause I can’t go to two schools at the same time. I would like to learn more physics.

On Friday I had that bad tooth pulled out. It’s been bothering me and causing immense pain since 2012 and now it’s finally gone. A short while ago I went through all my clothes from the closet and chose some to throw away and some to recycle. I’m only keeping stuff that I really intend on wearing some day. Even found a few summer clothes that fit. I don’t really like them anymore cause they’re really feminine, but can’t help it, haven’t got money to buy new stuff. Well, maybe I’d have, but I have to support an expensive addiction here. Every time I try to kick it it comes back stronger. Every week I buy more and more of energy drinks at once. This time I had 7 bottles in the fridge. Only 3 remaining now. Already lost the body heat regulation. Adding to that I’m back on an endless ice cream trip and have been eating more candy in the past three months than in the past 2-3 years combined. Some sub-conscious stress that doesn’t show but eats me inside and makes me lose control? Everytime I walk into the mall I lose my brain. Last time I walked out with Toy Box 5, a brand new 10.5″ Samsung Galaxy Tab S. So happy the Huawei one started to break down and I got an excuse. A bad one, admitted… Maybe I should just avoid that place? But I don’t like to go to the other mall either cause I’d hate to run into those pieces of human refuse that go there to buy alcohol.

Visiting my parents was pretty boring this time. I watched Vocaloid vids and episodes of Motto Ojamajo Doremi, that I finally found and got to run without Flash Player, and I think that kinda pissed off mum. I wanted dad to help me in math but he did so only once and seemed flegmatic and wanted to drink all the time. Then he was outside making parts to the new door frame and mum chatted with me. All the stuff I don’t wanna hear from her – or anyone. I know my situation the best and I know I’ve screwed up real bad this year. I couldn’t speak well, only with real thick accent and was missing words again. Tried to stay happy and ignore the hidden insults but those 4 days completely drained me.

I think I should go to bed. I’m not feeling well. Hungry and exhausted. It’s 4am and already light as day. Birds are singing. I did clean up a tiny little bit and really should wash some dishes. Have none left. Maybe eating some bread now and sleeping till 12pm if that would help… Actually I wanted to write something. Or draw something. Later today…

By Kevin Roche, award-winning 20th-century Irish- American architect. The pyramids is one of Roche's best works and contributed to his being awarded the Pritzker Prize: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pyramids_(Indianapolis) Location: 3500 DePauw Boulevard Indianapolis, IN 46268, USA“’

By Kevin Roche, award-winning 20th-century Irish- American architect.
The pyramids is one of Roche’s best works and contributed to his being awarded the Pritzker Prize:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pyramids_(Indianapolis)
Location: 3500 DePauw Boulevard Indianapolis, IN 46268, USA“’

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May
18

Can’t say I’m doing good. There was a better time, but… Things got worse again. Problems with food, taste hallucination, heavy allergy and skin problems, asshole parents. Stress level surprisingly low. Tried two alternative sleeping pills but they caused a massive weight gaining and now I’m back on Z. Have been sleeping better since 2,5 months and nightmares got a bit less. Still have a lot of them but not real bad and forget them easily. Last night in the middle of the nightmare there was a giant panda badger and it hugged me every time I walked by. It really liked me and made me survive through that shitty dream. It’s head and front arms were from a badger and the rest from a panda, but instead white color it was dark grey.

Right now I have giant troubles with money and addition to rent bills. I’m 3 months in minus, €156 to pay and this week comes the newest bill of €52. Should’ve tried to get welfare money for them but I’ve not been able to do that for some reason and now I think I should just tough it out and pay them all myself, even when it’ll cause me real trouble cause I won’t have enough money for food, cat stuff, washing powder etc. and meds. Yesterday I terminated my pay-tv card cause I’ve had trouble paying for it for a while now and with this new worse situation it’s as good as impossible.

But I’ve been on a pretty good mood since mid-March despite all this shit. I’ve listened a lot of music cause it makes me feel better. I’ve also read some books I read as a kid. Finished Little House In The Woods in the afternoon. Here one of my new favorite songs:

Maru is at the catsitter’s place, giving me time to clean up and sort papers, and I haven’t done anything yet. What I have done though, is giving up things I used to like and changing the stuff I post in my personal Tumblr blog. I used to post a lot of true crime and guro but I quit both, and I rarely post porn there, all goes into the second blog. Changed that one too, a little. No nazi stuff (and yes that is a fetish to some people and yes that was the only intention of reblogging that material) unless it’s very mild, and no drugs. It now has about 350 followers and I keep it active. This weekend was a bit more quiet cause I’ve been mostly reading and doing math and yesterday I spent the whole day at my catsitter’s.

There was a bit of a cube root problem I had and I annoyed dad by calling him and asking if he knows how to do that with my calculator (it’s my brother’s and I’m only borrowing it). In the end I had to Google it anyway. Dad was like always: not taking me seriously. I’ve been revaluating my goals and adding some depth. There’s a study I’d like to take, a Master’s degree in university. It only requires math and physics skills of the level genius and to get there is really hard for a lazy piece of shit like me. I really shouldn’t talk to myself with the voices of my parents and put myself down. Because I think rocket science is nothing but hard work and my brain is working really well. I’m good at analyzing stuff and seeing the big picture and the only reason I’ve had problems with math in my adult age is that I don’t know how to use my calculator. The cube root is one hell of a string of commands. I’d like to buy my own calculator. Not because “omg fancy new tech” but because I hate to be dependable of other people and their stuff. I want my own things, even if I have to pay dearly to get them.

Just looked at a few calculators in an online store but they only had a few, and because I’m a TI person through and through I skipped the Casio’s. Only one with a direct n:th root button was the fancy TI-Nspire CX, with a price of whopping €159,95. Well, maybe I can endure it with a borrowed calculator a few more years… I don’t think my brother ever needs it again anyway.

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Made this last week after finally getting the Wacom fixed up. Looks like the problem is caused by Windows update because it updated on Friday and on Saturday the problem was back. I’m still very new to digital painting and couldn’t solve the foreground problem. Yeah, and I should give up trying to get my dad to appreciate anything I do. Those two are only interested in themselves and the only good things are what they do, everything else is bad and wrong.

Well, I think it’s time to continue the Vault 87/Raven Rock run in Fallout 3. Wanted to do it on Friday but didn’t have time, and yesterday (Sunday) I decided to do The Pitt quest in between. I’ll go get a banana and some juice.

Feb
16

Because I’m too lazy to cook. I only have bread and cheese. :P But I’m in control of the money, made pretty good progress this year already. Of course I’m constantly worried about money and not having enough and not being able to pay bills or buy stuff. But I’m not wasting it all in sweets and fast food. And do not eat so much. On most days. The bread I have now is kinda shitty from the quality, it’s like wet toast. Mostly I have to eat 4-5 pieces to be full but I was able to cut that down to 3 pieces. Just not so hungry while depressed. And now I have cheese. I can’t usually afford cheese. I had some good buns that taste good and two of them are enough, and I do have some different, crude buns left. They don’t taste really good, kinda sour, but I only need to eat 1 to be full and they are cheaper.

Been sitting here most of the day. Watched Porco Rosso and the one movie where the girl Haru visits the Cat World (I don’t know the english name). After that tried to draw, but couldn’t use my drawing pad for some reason. I think it might have to do with the changed language settings that I changed to Japanese and was too lazy to change back cause I still not have DmmD running. Or it’s something with Gimp, or the fact that my computer crashed last time I was shutting it down and it propably didn’t do the updates right. And I’m too tired right now to look into it. The problem was mostly that I couldn’t click on stuff and Gimp didn’t accept any keyboard commands. Haven’t used it since November, it’s propably just an update issue.

Anyway, I was able to do the “color mapping” with mouse too. It’s mostly got to do with my eyes anyway. But 4 hours and just one single image, and even that not ready? Feels like I just don’t get it right, whatever I try. Reason to stop was cause it’s dark and lights create too strong contrast and I couldn’t see the tiny nuances anymore. That, and not finding the right tone. I think the problem was created by the floor color, it’s too light. I’ll make a new try with a darker floor. Wish to be able to use beige or white carpet/sofa after that. The color now didn’t go with the bed sheets and finally I had to use green. But green is for living room. It’s going to be Zen style/Rustic/Modern, I have a certain picture in my mind of putting those together for a unique atmosphere. It’s a big living room with kitchen and I have trouble dividing the space for the different uses.

With the master bedroom upstairs this was also a problem until today. Big room, lots of space, but I seem to do better with limited space and putting much stuff in small rooms without making them look cluttered. I want to keep the feeling of space but the room needed a working desk, a wardrobe big enough for two and maybe a small place to sit and relax. It’s a 1-3-person house. I’m putting here some pics.

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As seen from south. This and the second one are made in November, after sketches on paper and in tablet (that were likewise shaky).

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Second color plan for the small bedroom in the North-East corner. In this plan all the floors were left concrete, not even polished, but I chose dark wood later after being stuck in the loop of trying to find the right color for the concrete. There are way more than 50 shades of grey, trust me. This work is shitty without any real materials. If I could do it “in real” I’d been done months ago. I love browsing through wallpapers and fabric and finding the right match. It’s easier. You have to decide within some real borders, not billions of shades in digital color palette. How I see it, this project never gets done unless I find some real materials, which makes the next step pretty easy: go and find those materials in online shops. I’d also like some kind of easy 3D house planner to make simple models of the rooms. Yeah I could draw it all, but I’m lazy and to get it in right measures I would have to draw everything on paper and put the pieces together on computer. It’d be some help to have simple outlined furniture that only need to be colored and placed on the grid.

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See what I meant with the too light floor? It should be the color of the stairs. And the sofa looks too big. The bed color was a last minute change and not a well thought one. The carpet was the last possibility after being already exhausted and it took the contrast of the bed vs the wardrobe. So. I’m kicking out the sidetable and the sofa, change color map and then what? I thought about changing the style of the bed from American to an ultra modern Futon style bed and reducing the colors to black, white and grey. The glass panel windows/doors that surround the room from south and west (right and bottom) could be covered with rice paper doors at night (making the upper part of the house shine like a lantern). The bed would be moved close to the wall in west, a headboard added to separate it from the stairs, the desk would stay, on the eastern wall a sideboard and the wardrobe. I think I might go with that plan actually. The stairs should stay wooden but the floor upstairs could be polished dark grey concrete and the walls painted black and grey. Something completely different. But why not? Better than being stuck with this shit!

Some might think why I’m this obsessed about a hobby, and about a house that isn’t even real. But I want to get better, and I want to do this particular one perfectly. If I don’t challenge myself I’ll never make any progress. I have half a year to think about my life and my goals as school is on break once again. I do wish to continue, but I notice I also have other jobs I’d like to do. One is the architecture and design -way. I somehoe don’t want it to stay just a hobby, but everyone always says it’s nothing for me cause I just want to make houses I like and not what the customer likes. Kinda true, but does it always has to be that discouraging? Why do people have it so hard to believe I could ever be able to do anything? They don’t really believe I’ll ever finish this school either.

And then there’s the one thing I’ve secretly wished to do – and it’s not writing cause that’s not secret: space engineer. Already when I was small I always loved the stars. I tried hard to learn physics, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t understand, and then people started to say I’ll never be able to do anything with math or physics cause I’m too stupid. After that I didn’t even try. I liked physics and chemistry a lot, mostly because having a good teacher when I started those classes, but I only had him for 1 year. After that it’s been a pain. Except, when I started in Omnia three years ago and had math lessons first time since forever, I noticed I had no trouble understanding or learning, and in this school, I’ve never had big trouble with understanding math and I’ve even become a bit fond of physics too. I believe I can learn it all. Sometimes I don’t, but mostly yes. If I try hard enough I can. Those people who claimed to know better are all losers. I definitely want to continue studying a higher grade, and (mainly because my teachers keep telling us rocket science isn’t any more complicated than what we do (and because I can now finally think truly threedimensionally)) kind of “reach for the stars”. One thing that has moved this wish to the surface are the anime and comics about space. Other is the Fallout universe. Space always was near my heart, but playing Fallout made it actually feel near, feel real. And I think, even when we should’ve made much more progress than we have since the 50’s and people say the Space Age is over, I still believe we can make it. Nothing is lost.

I should not study late at night, but tomorrow. Buy food, clean up a bit, read my school books and study math. Because I feel just great when I notice I understand that stuff, and I need to learn it all anyway before August.

Yesterday I thought about changing the look of my sleeping corner. Moving the bed to other wall. Changing the wall decoration. I’m completely happy with them though. Give people something to think about. Still, I should go to Ikea and try to find some goodlooking boxes with lids to store stuff in. And there are other places to look too. Last time I was out shopping I bought two new plants, because almost everything died this winter. One Dieffenbachia, they are robust. The other one I can’t translate. It has round, velvet leaves with purple and different greens and it “goes to sleep” during night and pulls it’s leaves together.

I’ll pull my leaves now together too. Have to eat some more bread and cheese. Maru didn’t like me typing this long. He likes silence. I’d need a bubble to type in. But I love my new keyboard, worth every cent. The mechanic buttons have a great feel, it’s super easy to type and despite lots of gaming none has gone numb yet, and the green light is cool. ^.^

Feb
07

So tired I feel like I might collapse any moment. Arms hurt, legs hurt. Head hurt, teeth hurt. Exhausted beyond imaginable. Sunrise has moved a tiny bit more east. The skyline is orange. 7:26am.

On Tuesday I got the most horrid stomach pains ever – again. Last time was during weekend. It lasted forever. I still felt sick yesterday. On Wednesday morning visit from police. They brought an invitation to sorta interrogation. It’s like having your worst fears come true. The news paralyzed me for three days. Had to keep awake last night and try to clean up and find some papers I need urgently. Only found a few. Still have the Christmas tree.

Yesterday, 2,5 hours intensive questioning. I thought it’d be something old, and they were real sneaky with those questions, reminded me of the twisted ways of my parents. I was nervous without an end and didn’t give a very good picture of myself. Actually, to be honest, I screwed it up real bad. Since then, bad migraine. It was about something rather new and it hit a nerve. Things I’d rather not share with anyone who might “get concerned”. Like the facts laid my insides open and bare and I tried to dodge the best I could, which wasn’t very good. Now all my blogs are honeypots and I don’t know what the fuck I should do. So I’m writing it all here coz this is my most personal blog. I put here my thoughts. So they won’t bother me inside my head.

Nobody, ever, understands it when I try to explain how it is with Seed and his kin. There was this one guy in T who I thought might have gotten a whim of how I felt, but he’s been silent for several weeks now. I’m pretty certain he’s gone. Good riddance. Faggots just make awful friends. And that sort of stuff. I’ve been mad at everyone, I’ve been real mad at my parents lately, I already had so much stress it was crushing me. So much pain, so much crying, but I have not hurt myself. I haven’t even felt the need to. Zero activity. 100% passive.

I try not to think too much about yesterday. Not really successfully. Reality check? Unfortunately, those don’t work on me. I kept putting stuff in the blog they checked during night anyway. It’s just porn! It’s not meant to be taken seriously! It’s not real! There are only very few people who’d actually engage in hc action even if they had a chance. 170 followers can’t be wrong and if they like my stuff I must be doing something right, right? It’s just a thing I run into all the time… People… Err… People seem to see things so completely differently. That guy said it’s pretty rough stuff. But I can’t react to that with any feeling. When I post that stuff I do not let my desires decide. There’d be much less pics if I did. I pick porn with cold and focused mind because of course I want to give good stuff to all those followers. There are certain standards though. But my point is, like in the example when I told my school mates how it was to grow up in my family and they were shaking their heads in scared disbelief that something like that could happen in “this modern openminded world”. Unfortunately the world I grew up in was not like that. It was hell. I had to become cold to survive. And it made me me. It gave me a sick interest of violence. I have lived with very bad things so long… I have seen so much worse. That “rough stuff” is nothing. I have almost no sympathy/empathy for humans, only for those who have gone through similar hell. That’s my nature and I can’t help it. I’m trying to work on my feelings, learn to face the ones I had to block to survive, seek truth in the web of lies. But I do not believe this process will change me much. It will not change my likes. I might not be capable of killing anyone, which I realized a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to be interested in the subject. I need a lot of information to be able to write. OK that was an excuse LOL.

Yeah, the cluft between me and the others is huge. Yesterday proved it in a very practical way. About humans and what happens to them I do not have real feelings of moral or what’s right or wrong. Of course I know… But I do not feel it. That’s all just words. Faked feelings. Acting out of fear of punishment. In the end I most likely do not learn my lesson. Til this day I have not learned any lesson brought to me by force. Not even the “don’t eat wrong foods” one.

There are people who have known me for long. And yet I wonder every time if they truly, really know me. Because I have the feeling that they don’t. They only see a fragment. There are so many people I can’t show the true me, everyone receives only fragments, and while those people never meet they can never build the whole picture.

I think I’m very happy that I have that blog. It gave me more trust – even if it was just for a moment – in people. I found 170 people who at least partially like the same things and those guys keep sharing my “man with gun” pics like crazy. If there’s a gun it always gets shares. The more “explicit”, the more likes and shares. There are a lot of people who seek the freedom of the extreme – even when it’s just an illusion. Because that’s kinda the world (of porn blogs). Nothing is actually real, nothing is truly non-consentual. It’s a game. Even if I might have sometimes said otherwise, this is what it is for me too. Real sex is faaaaaaaaar less hot and steamy. ;) Actually, it’s quite boring. And that’s why people seek the fantasy world. I’m just one of many offering them this fantasy world. You could say it’s… Kinda business. I don’t do it for money. True, I save most of the pics I post, for my private collection, but mostly even watching them alone at home does not wake any big feelings. Mostly the pics are actually pretty funny. In my inner world human life is not worth anything. But – and this is the most important thing – that opinion does have nothing to do with how I treat people In Real Life. Real life is different. Real life has rules that we all must follow. I choose to follow them too, from my own free will, regardless of what I might think of them.

Have to stop now and go wash dishes. This place is far from clean but there’s some order. Thought about throwing that GODDAMN tree outta window so the people who come at point 10am to check my place don’t have a reason to continue moaning about it. Jeez I wish my head would stop hurting…

Jan
14

A few nights ago I had a very bad dream, followed by a whole row of stress dreams. I hoped it wouldn’t become a new trend in the nightmare section (I still have them every night), but unfortunately it did. Been up all night again just so I wouldn’t need to see those images, but I’m very tired and hungry and feel like shit. My jaw is hurting, biting teeth again, stress. I remember every moment of those nightmares. I relive them during the day. Being burned by nuclear fire and seeing someone skinned alive, seeing my mother drag away the body of a dead family friend, collecting the strewn letters of people who died, trying to please mum and make her happy and walking vast distances with my child sister with loads to carry, only to have mum yell at us when we get home… But at this point it doesn’t matter anymore if I sleep or not. My head is filled with horror anyway.

I watched all 26 episodes on the anime Planetes during the night, to keep my mind off the bad stuff, but the moment I was done with it it all came back at once. I need rest. Real sleep without dreams, sleep without stress and tensions in my body. I have eaten all I had but nothing is enough. Those little bits. I have no real food left and lack the ingredients to make some (soy sauce). Even lost interest in games. It’s just all the same things again and again.

Lately I keep pushing myself too far. Mentally and physically. The lack of money that results in lack of good stuff to eat is slowly chipping away the health that I managed to regain before Christmas. My skin is grey. Wounds don’t close. I hurt my fingers and don’t even know when and they keep bleeding. I hurt my left elbow sometime on Friday and my hands hurt from drawing and doing stuff on computer. I hear stuff again. Every odd, scary noise my neighbor makes. I don’t know what he’s doing in there. It sounds like he’s breaking stuff and vomiting. There’s a constant white noise in my head, caused by the deaf ear. I’ve gotten paranoid and jumpy. When I’m typing I hear background noise, some of it clearly coming from behind the wall, other non-existent. I feel alert but my brain is lagging. Everything, sound and image, feels like a threat. Non-real things don’t. That’s why I sink deeply into the worlds of different anime, because they’re my only escape from this shitty reality. Watching them I can feel things like sadness, because it’s not connected to the real world. Life is just too much to bear, right now.

Damn I’m hungry. Got some dry bread here but seems like I have to live with the hunger for one more week. Shit. Even got psychosomatic pain meanwhile. Or maybe this sharp pain in the knee is because I actually hurt it but forgot? I maybe fell? At least I dreamed of it. Running in rain and falling. I wish there was a way to get those dreams out of my head. Or just go to sleep without being afraid of seeing things even worse.

… Jeez got stuck following that stupid chat on animedreaming.tv. LOL. Actually the only chat with brains I’ve seen in a long time, if ever. Those regulars are real good. :) Every time I finish watching some anime I feel like I don’t wanna part with that world and those people. I feel sadness and loss. Then I go looking for something similar, and fail to find anything. Right now I feel like watching Planetes all over again, although it did have some really stressy parts. Mostly I have to watch stuff two or three times because the translation is too fast to read and not all actions open to me right away.

… Trying to eat some more dry bread, check facebook, feel even worse. Think I’m gonna lay down for a while. Nightmares or not. My mind might be afraid to sleep but my body will collapse if I don’t go to bed. Just few hours. Need to clean up a bit today. Put the alarm on 2pm. When exhausted the first thing to go is the heat regulation of the body. I don’t feel cold and I can’t tell when I’m getting too warm and the risk of getting sick or damaging my body are much higher. Because of all the pain it’s also hard to tell which pain I should take seriously.

Well, anyway, I’m off to bed. Too sick to even eat more. :(